FUCK YEAH CANADA

I absolutely love that Tommy Douglas won “Greatest Canadian.” I mean, while Americans still argue vehemently about the “creeping spectre of socialism”, this guy led the first socialist government in North America in 1944. And what cosmopolitan, latte-sipping, limo-riding leftist metropolis elected such a socialist to lead them for seventeen years? The province of Saskatchewan. That paragon of blue-collar farmland, carved out of the middle of the country, and by far the most boring part of it.

He introduced a number of pioneering social programs during his time in Saskatchewan, but he was best known for what he did after taking the leadership of the brand new New Democratic Party (or NDP.) He never became Prime Minister, but he is widely known as the father of universal health care in Canada. And he did it all from the middle of fucking nowhere.

Not to mention that, after he retired, the 80-year-old Douglas was hit by a bus, and walked it off. Because that’s the kind of badass Tommy Douglas was.

Fuck yeah.

Q: How do you kill a fox?

A: Cut off one leg and make it run across Canada.

That joke is awful. I think less of myself for writing it, because you know what? If I lost a leg, I sure as hell wouldn’t be running anywhere. Look how young this guy is, he was 21 years old. Let’s be real, guys, I’m 21, and if I lost a leg to cancer, I’m telling you, I’d just pack it in. Get in bed with the complete series of Arrested Development on the TV and wait for death.

But Terry Fox didn’t do that. He fucking nutted up, and said “I’m going to run across Canada, because this isn’t just about me. This is about every person in a cancer clinic.” He actually said in his letter to the Canadian Cancer Society that he would “crawl every last mile.” Holy fuck. This guy was a hero, and it’s a goddamn shame that he’s only really well known in Canada, where school kids bitch every September about having to run in the usually frigid weather as part of the Terry Fox Run. Goddamn it kids, get off your stupid myplace and faceblock and fucking RESPECT.

There is quite possibly nothing I can do to make Pierre Trudeau seem more badass than he is in this video. That is how you Yankee fuckos deal with a homegrown terrorist threat. You ride a fucking tank through a major metropolitan city, declaring martial law on your own goddamn citizens. And smile while doing it. That’s fucking metal.

Not only that, the guy’s wife was hot. Canadians not only knew that Trudeau was having sex in the Prime Minister’s Residence, they were fucking proud of it. You think Pat Nixon ever smuggled drugs or partied half-naked at Studio 54? FUCK NO. But Margaret Trudeau did it, because she was AWESOME.

And from their loins sprung the Chosen One of Canadian politics. One needs only to utter the name “Justin Trudeau”, and millions of young Liberal women get wet. There would be nothing I would enjoy more than the gigantic “Fuck You” to Western Canada that Justin Trudeau’s eventual election to Prime Minister would represent.

Sir Frederick Banting (and you fucking will remember to call him ‘sir’) discovered insulin. By doing so, he immediately extended the lives of millions of people who suffered from diabetes. And sure, it’s great that he won the Nobel Prize and received a lifetime grant from the government to basically do whatever he wanted. And that’s the cool part. He used that money not just for medical research, but to go on a painting expedition above the Arctic Circle.

Sir Banting’s last act showed by itself how badass he is. While flying to conduct experiments on a flying suit invented by a friend of his, the plane he was in crashed. Sir Banting would soon die from his injuries, but not before saving the life of the pilot.

Fuck. Yeah.

In addition to being really knowledgeable about the environment and stuff, David Suzuki is fucking stacked. Look at that figleaf-wearing titan. He could fuck your shit up, and he will, if you don’t recycle. Do you know how many honorary degrees have been awarded to this chiseled hunk of man-meat? Twenty-two. Twenty-fucking-two. I honestly didn’t know there were that many universities in Canada. But David Suzuki, you’ve taught me something new again.

It should also be noted that David Suzuki actually voted as part of the Greatest Canadian program. But did he vote for himself? Fuck no, he voted for Tommy Douglas. Not only is he humble, he sides with winners.

You just wish you were as cool as Lester B. Pearson. Here’s a short list of “badass things he’s done”:

• Introduced universal health care (a good forty years before the U.S. even took a decent crack at it.)
• Created the government funded Canada Student Loan Program and the Canada Pension Plan.
• Adopted the current Canadian flag, finally replacing the Union Jack.

He did all that with a minority government constantly in danger of being dissolved. Furthermore, he was a noted diplomat helping to found the United Nations in addition to NATO. He won the Nobel Peace Prize for defusing the Suez Crisis, and the Nobel selection committee credited him with “saving the world.” He’s considered the father of the modern concept of peacekeeping.

And on the CBC’s “Greatest Canadian” program, he was voted sixth. That should really be enough to discredit the decision-making ability of the Canadian voting public.

Don Cherry on Prime Minister and general fuckstick Stephen Harper: “He’s a grinder and a mucker…I give him a thumbs up.” So fuck Don Cherry for making me think of Stephen Harper grinding.

But he does provide some service, I guess. He is a noted spokesperson in support of many causes, such as organ donations, cancer, and xenophobia. Don Cherry: a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em douchebag.

Once, during a debate, Sir John A. Macdonald was so drunk, he began vomiting on the stage. His opponent charged that an alcoholic such as Sir John should not be running the country. Macdonald, with his usual wit, replied that he was sick “not because of drink, but because I am forced to listen to the ranting of my honourable opponent.”

Plus, I’ll bet George Washington never threatened to beat the shit out of his political opponents. Pussy.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. Elisha Gray can go fuck himself.

Now that we have that out of the way, I should also mention that Bell invented the metal detector and founded the National Geographic Society. As a former member of the Schoolboys In Libraries Trying To Find Pictures Of Boobs society, I personally owe a debt of gratitude to Mr. Bell.

Finally, for fans of irony, the inventor of the telephone also personally tutored Helen Keller at a school for the deaf and mute. You know who didn’t devote his time to alleviate the suffering of deaf children? Elisha Gray. Seriously, fuck that guy.

If Wayne Gretzky wasn’t the best hockey player of all time, he would be the awkward manchild two cubicles down from you. You know the one. The guy who still thinks it’s okay to smack your ass if you bend over to pick something up, or talks about stupid shit like why Batman isn’t really a superhero. He even has the name for it.

But he wasn’t that guy. He was the best hockey player of all time. He set records that no one will ever break. And, perhaps most importantly, he was part of a kick-ass crime-fighting syndicate.

You know what, I’ll go one further. I think Wayne Gretzky was the greatest athlete of the modern era. Any sport. Michael Jordan always had good teams, Wayne didn’t (at least not after he left Edmonton.) Plus, there were no embarassing comebacks with Gretzky. Babe Ruth played in a league that didn’t allow talented players to participate because of their race. I’m reasonably certain Michael Phelps isn’t actually a human being. Roger Federer and Tiger Woods haven’t sustained dominance as long as Gretzky did. Gretzky’s it. He’s the best. And he’s Canadian.

Fuck Yeah.